utopiaskiss (utopiaskiss) wrote,


A late night entry for a nocturnal person, I am. A post of reflection of everything, I suppose. I've had an LJ for awhile now and I might as well jump on the emo/angst band wagon like virtually everyone else.
I've been in some form of limbo for the past few months in virtually every aspect of my life and I'll tell you what, that sucks. I still don't know where I'm going in the fall or what I'm doing, still don't have a job, and quite frankly mr. shrankly, I can't help but feel like every supposed aspect of my life is falling apart between my little oreo-duo-colored fingers. I'd be lieing if I said I was depressed because for the first time in 4 months give-or take, I'm actually feeling fine. Well, not fine so much as decent. But sometimes I can't help but self-reflect. I don't know what the rest of the year has planned for me. We've past the half way mark and we can't quite see that glow at the end of the tunnel yet, captain.
What's happened this year? Well, we'll do a month by month break down.
January/February: Found out that all that procrastination has landed me on Academic Probation. Surprisingly enough, between my mom and I, she was the calm one when I got the letter.
February/March: Had scheduling issues, found out I couldn't take half the classes I wanted to take. I eventually sign up for a 3rd class that I managed to sneak through the cracks to get in. We have a paper to write before Spring break, and the day before we go off, my teacher, being the stuck up dousche bag that he was, accused me of plagerising. Funny thing is, he had no proof. Why? Because there was none. I drop the class, am currently enlisted in only 2 courses. I don't tell my mom. This is roughly around the time I started really getting down.
March/April: Nothing in particular happened. Found out I was slipping in Silkscreening, but honestly, what else is new? Though, surprisingly enough, I manage to quickly get back on the horse. Get food poisoning the week after coming back from spring break. Had to get a fucking suppository. Which, for those who don't know what is, it's when they cram a huge pill up your ass. Yeah, it's fun. Trust me.
April/May: Things seemingly go steady until the news of a school-mate's murder catches my ear. Esther calls me at about 12 after I get out of my lecture class in the AM while I'm taking a nap to tell me. Things pretty much go down hill from there.
May/June: School's over and I reach pretty much the lowest point of my depression at that point. I got on a trip with my friends to the Cape to try and get my mind off of things, it works. For a while. It also turns out getting a job is harder than I thought.

And that brings me to now. Not much is happening, still looking for work and figuring out what I'm doing with myself this fall. I'll be honest, I've never felt like such an emotional/mental flatline in my life. I suppose people would call it a rut but seriously, when do things actually start to look up? Because honestly, I'm waiting and ready for it.

So I say to you all.
Good night. And Good luck.
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