|Friday, March 30th, 2007|
1:23 pm - Ch.
|Wednesday, December 6th, 2006|
Who-oa. A journal entry? Le gasp.|
So it's the holiday season, and as a complete and total surprise, I'm not looking forward to it. From year to year, I usually have a tiny bit of christmas cheer. Enough to actually feel what warm and fuzziness comes from this time, with all the christmas love and glory. But I think that maybe the fact that people obsessed with Christmas significantly earlier than usual has made me apathetic to it all. I think I've come to realize why this time of the year is the most depressing.
This entire year has, well, sucked. I can't really think of a good thing that's happened, and I don't feel like setting up hopes for one day only for it to come by and pass like any other. The year's coming to an end, and all the things that I can count up that have happened really only make me optimistic in the sense that there aren't many ways in which the new year can be much worse.
To start it off with getting academic probation then struggling horribly with what can only be described as some sort of relapse into depression that I was absolutely convinced was nothing but crazed teenaged hormones since it ended pretty much after I outgrew my teen angst, my only real assumption is that everything will go up or stay the same. Either way the likely hood of the latter is significantly greater than that of the preceding, and well, the possibility of it getting worse seems more likely than the preceding. I guess I'm just finding it hard to see exactly what I'm supposed to be happy about. I know I have my friends and family but for once I feel like being a little selfish and wallowing in my own depression.
I know that sometimes I purposely try to make myself see things in a dark way in some subconcious attempt at psyching out whatever Karma or what have you is out there paying mind to me, making sure that some event will occur to make me feel the complete opposite. But right now, I don't really think that's it.
I've also slowly realized that I'm making connections between the holiday season and my dad, who, dundun, just so happened to have past around this time of year. I don't really know why it's taken me so long to actually realize that, but I think it's because I'm beginning to notice when something, particularly shows and movies, have some sort of emphasis on the connections that dads and daughters are supposed to make. That and probably because I've spent quite some time around Paula and Esther, who in a lot of ways I really envy because their relationships with their dads are so good, I just honestly wished I had that. I still really wish I could remember what he was like but all I have are tiny segments of memories that in all honesty, I can't even tell if they actually occured or if they were images my mind created as a means of filling in what void there was, even if it was just a little.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm supposed to just get over it and move on, but unfortunatly for my heavily fixative personality, I tend to not take heavily upsetting situations very well. History's quite proven that to be true.
Anyway, I suppose I'm done feeling emo for tonight. And might very well go to bed.
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|Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006|
2:19 am - Fucking shit, people. Seriously.
GOD. I'm so fucking sick of hearing people complain about how my character Nadia looks so manly. Yeah. She's got a strong chin. FUCK YES. She has a strong nose. Seriously. Get. The Fuck. Over it. I'm not going to make her your stereotypical air-head-looking-beauty-pageant-queen-whoring little bitch people love to draw when it comes to characters who are supposed to KILL for a mother fucking living. I'm sure if I placed a pretty-haired borderline breast formaion looking guy, no one would bitch about that. Why? WHY? Why is there such an obsession with 'bishounen' looking men? Is it because they don't look intimidating? They look weak and pathetic and our society is so fixated and okay with that because it means someone's losing some form of power? Well shit. I'm so sick of that kind of bullshit reasoning. She's a woman. She looks like she can kick your mother fucking ass. ANd shit. That's not going to change any time soon|
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|Thursday, August 17th, 2006|
7:01 pm - AAAAYYYAAAAAAA
So, I haven't been to a concert in a good, m. year. Give or take. And you know what, that's just plain not cool because my last almost-concert experience was miserable and I need to start getting back on the bandwagon.|
End of August - September is my absolute catch up period to give me a music high. Concerts that I WANT to go to, and sure as hell am planning on going to in chronological order.
Friday August 25, 2006 - Paradise Club
Corinne Bailey Rae with Gran Bel Fisher, Kevin Devine
doors at 7 PM; 18+ show, $15.00
Friday September 1, 2006 - Paradise Lounge
Under the Influence of Giants with guests
Doors 9 PM 18+ $6 in advance / $8 day of show
Saturday September 16, 2006 (MAH BIRTHDAYBITCHES!)- Bank of America Pavillion
07:30 PM, $39.50
Sunday September 24, 2006
Jay Clifford [of Jump Little Children] with Meghan Coffee
Doors 7 PM 18+ $10 in advance / $12 day of show
These are all my priority concerts. There's a few people who are touring in that random time period that im mildly interested in seeing but these are the only ones I'll be pissy bout if I don't see. WEEOOOOOO Specifically the last concert. GOD DAMMIT.
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|Sunday, August 13th, 2006|
2:09 am - Fashion Update 2
|Saturday, August 12th, 2006|
6:12 pm - Fashion Update
First outfit design I've done in a long time. Done for a contest on . ... Gaia. LOLPLZBBQWTF|
I like how it looks. I kind of want to make it in my clothing construction course I'm taking this fall. But it's not designed for my body type )': So I'd probably make it for someone else with some changes done so that it's, like, actually physically possible to make XD
I'll updating with my next design soon once I figure out why the underdress is bothring the crap out of me.
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|Wednesday, July 19th, 2006|
4:20 am - I saw your body from across the room, And I thought it was punchin...
|Friday, July 14th, 2006|
4:07 pm - Bwwaahh
|Thursday, July 13th, 2006|
4:11 am - Huh.
A late night entry for a nocturnal person, I am. A post of reflection of everything, I suppose. I've had an LJ for awhile now and I might as well jump on the emo/angst band wagon like virtually everyone else.|
I've been in some form of limbo for the past few months in virtually every aspect of my life and I'll tell you what, that sucks. I still don't know where I'm going in the fall or what I'm doing, still don't have a job, and quite frankly mr. shrankly, I can't help but feel like every supposed aspect of my life is falling apart between my little oreo-duo-colored fingers. I'd be lieing if I said I was depressed because for the first time in 4 months give-or take, I'm actually feeling fine. Well, not fine so much as decent. But sometimes I can't help but self-reflect. I don't know what the rest of the year has planned for me. We've past the half way mark and we can't quite see that glow at the end of the tunnel yet, captain.
What's happened this year? Well, we'll do a month by month break down.
January/February: Found out that all that procrastination has landed me on Academic Probation. Surprisingly enough, between my mom and I, she was the calm one when I got the letter.
February/March: Had scheduling issues, found out I couldn't take half the classes I wanted to take. I eventually sign up for a 3rd class that I managed to sneak through the cracks to get in. We have a paper to write before Spring break, and the day before we go off, my teacher, being the stuck up dousche bag that he was, accused me of plagerising. Funny thing is, he had no proof. Why? Because there was none. I drop the class, am currently enlisted in only 2 courses. I don't tell my mom. This is roughly around the time I started really getting down.
March/April: Nothing in particular happened. Found out I was slipping in Silkscreening, but honestly, what else is new? Though, surprisingly enough, I manage to quickly get back on the horse. Get food poisoning the week after coming back from spring break. Had to get a fucking suppository. Which, for those who don't know what is, it's when they cram a huge pill up your ass. Yeah, it's fun. Trust me.
April/May: Things seemingly go steady until the news of a school-mate's murder catches my ear. Esther calls me at about 12 after I get out of my lecture class in the AM while I'm taking a nap to tell me. Things pretty much go down hill from there.
May/June: School's over and I reach pretty much the lowest point of my depression at that point. I got on a trip with my friends to the Cape to try and get my mind off of things, it works. For a while. It also turns out getting a job is harder than I thought.
And that brings me to now. Not much is happening, still looking for work and figuring out what I'm doing with myself this fall. I'll be honest, I've never felt like such an emotional/mental flatline in my life. I suppose people would call it a rut but seriously, when do things actually start to look up? Because honestly, I'm waiting and ready for it.
So I say to you all.
Good night. And Good luck.
current mood: blank
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|Wednesday, July 12th, 2006|
3:32 am - Kissy Kissy Booboo Fuck
|Tuesday, July 11th, 2006|
12:40 am - My First Official Real Journal Entry (kind of.)
Weee, quiz. It makes me feel girlier than I actuall am D:|
[ ] my fingernails/toenails are almost always painted
[ ] during the summer the only shoes i wear are flip flops
[x] my favorite toys as a child were barbies
[x] my favorite colour is pink or purple (bullshit! Purple is a manly color >:O)
[ ] I did Gymnastics
[x] I love skirts
[ ] hollister is one of my favorite places to shop
[ ] tight jeans are the only jeans i'll wear
[x] I love chocolate
[ ] I've never had a real job
[ ] my hair is almost always straightened
[ ] I have at least 8 myspace pictures
[ ] I usually go shopping once a week
[ ] I love to hang out at the mall with friends
[ ] I have a real diamond ring or diamond necklace or earings.
[ ] I've gone to a tanning salon
[ ] I've gone to the beach to tan
[ ] I have at least 10 pairs of shoes ((Why is this girly? I have shoes for
[ ] I watch either the OC or Laguna Beach
[ ] I change my icon weekly
[ ] I wear a shower cap
[x] I dont shop at Hot Topic
[ ] my cell phone might as well become a part of me
[ ] I wear mascara everyday
[ ] I've been or am on a diet
[ ] bathing suits are adorable
[ ] I dont know the difference between a sheep and a goat.
[ ] big sunglasses are hott
[ ] I have gotten my nails done before ((It was Mum's Idea))
[ ] I own over 10 purses
[ ] MTV is one of my favorite channels
[1/x] all I want to do at sleepovers is talk about boys (kind of. Boys are fun to talk about D: )
[ ] I love to have gurls do my hair
[x] I give and recieve hugs from all my friends
[x] I hate bugs
[ ] carnivals are so fun!
[ ] Summer is THE best season
[x] my swimsuit has 2 pieces ((Yeah, a T-shirt and Cut-Offs))
[x] Im waiting for my knight in shining armor (lolololololol, lame)
[ ] musicians are so hot (surprisingly enough, that's not my style any more *gasp*)
[1/x] you write me a poem and tell me im beautiful and im all yours (chutup!)
[ ] I am self-conscious
[ ] I cry often
[ ] my car smells like vanilla or cherry
[x] my dishes get washed more than once a week ((Waaait...that's girly?!))
[ ] I dont do sports
[ ] I HATE to run
[x] I squeal when i am surprised or angry
[ ] I eat dried fruit as a snack
[ ] I eat birds as a snack
[ ] I love romance novels
[ ] Drew Barrymore is so cute
[x] I dance... a LOT.
[ ] usually spend an hour or over to get ready to leave my house
[ ] I only have like 5 billion hair products
[ ] I love to get dressed up.
[ ] every part of my outfit needs to match
[x] I talk on the phone at least once a day to my friends
[x] I would love to have a photo shoot
[ ] I apply lip stuff 50 times a day
[ ] I wish I were a model
[ ] I wish I could meet Paris Hilton
[x] I have been to something that was semi
[ ] I own Uggs
[ ] Hip Hop is the best music
[ ] I pop my collar
[ ] I like to be the center of attention
[ ] guys with Mohawks are crazy
[x] horses are beautiful
[x] id rather not pay attention in school (I'm a day dreamer, hokay?)
[x] Cats are adorable
[ ] I write my own music
[x] I would love to visit Hawaii
[ ] Valentine's day is so cute!
[ ] white is better than black
[ ] I wouldn't be caught dead in all black
[ ] my closet is STOCK FULL of clothes
[ ] hate the grunge look
[ ] I love to read magazines
[ ] I love to gossip
[ ] I had Lisa Frank folders/posters/notebooks as a kid
[ ] I love Celine Dion
[ ] my bubble baths are 1-2hrs long
[ ] My wedding only needs a groom because it's already planned
[ ] My friends and I are in a strict group.
[x] I like little kids
[ ] Diet drinks are the best
[ ] I'm all about being vegetarian
[x] I refuse to eat at McDonalds (After Super Size Me? Fusk yes. But that's not really girly ...)
[ ] I check my myspace everyday (not anymore I don't).
[ ] I love life!
[ ] I have a lot of jewlery!
[ ] my screen name(s) have x's in them
[ ] either one of my myspace names has/had <3's or in them
[ ] I would never want to be the opposite sex
[ ] It's not what he/she said it's the way he/she said it
[x] I have more than 3 pillows on my bed
...Nice. Reall nice.
current mood: lethargic
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